During my quiet time a couple of weeks ago, I began to try and put into words how I was feeling about my relationship with God. As I was talking to Him about it, I recalled the scene in Genesis 32 where Jacob found himself wrestling with a man, whom he later realized was God Himself. They ended up wrestling all night long and in the end, Jacob walked away with a permanent limp. As I reread the story, I realized, that’s where I was. I’ve been wrestling with God.

Now don’t get me wrong. In my mind, wrestling is not necessarily a bad thing. (Perhaps it’s a guy thing.) My first experience with wrestling was with my dad. I can remember jumping around on him at a very young age, thinking how easy it was to pin him to the ground. It didn’t occur to me at the time that he was letting me win. As I got a few years older, wrestling with my older brother became a bit more violent. He never felt it necessary to throw the match. So I usually ended up losing my cool and slugging him in the gut before running off to my room crying.

But here’s what’s interesting about all my childhood memories of wrestling; win or lose they are all very fond memories to me now. So fond, in fact, I passed this joy of wrestling on to my own son and more recently, my grandson. You see, there’s something very intimate about wrestling with someone you love. I heard someone recently describe it as “rough hugging.”

And that’s how I feel about my relationship with God right now. It’s very intimate, yet challenging and painful at times. Nora Gallagher calls this “redemptive wrestling.” It’s when we wrestle with our faith and our doubts at the same time. We know what God is telling us to do, but we doubt He will come through if we do it. We are so intimate with God during these times, yet we find ourselves struggling because of fear or pain. We don’t like being uncomfortable, yet we love knowing its God’s hands that are doing the stretching.

During my wrestling matches with God, we are so close I can feel His breath on my neck as He pins me to the ground. I enjoy feeling Him close, even though I do everything in my power to get released from His half nelson. Sometimes, He lets me think I’m winning in my own strength. Other times, he pins me to the floor while I’m kicking and screaming, threatening to slug Him in the gut. I often end up running to my room, limping and crying. But even with all my drama and posturing, God is always there ready and waiting for a rematch. Something tells me, He likes wrestling with me as well. Now, if I could just wise up and learn when I should surrender.