To my master and his family I want to make amends for how ungrateful I have been these past eleven years. You’ve given me a warm, loving home. You’ve allowed me to be the Alpha dog and you’ve taken me on hundreds of walks. You’ve provided food and shelter and a great big back yard to run and poop in.
But I have been ungrateful in spite of these acts of kindness. Yes, I have acted lovingly in your presence, licking your hand and allowing you to pet me, but when you weren’t looking, I have destroyed precious heirlooms as well as basic household items. Here is my list of amends.
Stuffed Koala from Australia, Leather photo album from Kenya, one and only video from trip to China, handpainted glass Christmas ornament of a Siberian Husky you purchased in my honor, numerous dog beds and comforters, Peter Bay’s belt, Kayla Meyer’s straw purse from her trip to the Caribbean, Greg Ayer’s sub sandwich, Andrew’s wallet, the groundhog I killed and then carried in my mouth as I ran around the neighborhood terrorizing the neighborhood kids, the numerous times I escaped from the yard in order to terrorize the neighborhood kids, the numerous screen windows I ruined in my escape, the berber carpet downstairs that I unraveled, the red ink pen I chewed on in the dining room entrance, the skirting on the couch and matching chair, the vacuum cleaner I burned out because of all my hair, the holes and ruts I dug in the backyard searching for moles, the gutter downspouts I destroyed trying to get chipmunks, the grass and bushes I destroyed, the late night calls from neighbors complaining about my barking or saying they found me in their cars or houses, the many Christmas presents I unwrapped and ate, the ottoman I insist on using as a bed, our little black cat I chased up the refrigerator, and the thousands of yards of toilet paper I have unrolled and strung all over the house. For all of these things, I am sorry.
I would love to tell you, as I have worked through this 4th step, that I have turned over a new leaf. I would love to tell you that I am now clean and sober and I no longer struggle with ADD. But that would be a lame attempt at continuing to live in my denial. As the old saying goes, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Therefore, I will continue to love you to your face, but also continue to destroy everything that you think is precious. I will help you not get too attached to material possessions, but remain hopelessly attached to me, even in my sickness. And when I’m gone, someday in the not too distant future, I will make you cry one more time.